Welcome to What’s Helping Today, a newsletter about the everyday work of staying alive on earth — written by author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen.

Hi everyone,

I have wanted to put a Sandy’s Recipe Club post together related to hosting larger groups during the colder months.

“Friendsgiving” is a term I admit I’ve never cared for. I didn’t write the headline below and never did like it …

I bring folks together in the spirit of a (harvest-time) feast, and community-gathering and building … as a trans person who’s estranged and often actively weaving my own (local) community for example.

And I make clear it’s Not Thanksgiving, as I wrote about in that piece some years ago … Were I writing the essay again now, I’d probably slam Thanksgiving itself harder. Truly: Fuck Thanksgiving. Also I get it, the fondness some can feel for the celebration of this holiday and others some of us may have love-hate relationships with (like for me: Christmas). For me, it’s a constant renegotiation, in terms of what to celebrate and how …

In what follows, I’ll include some big picture ideas for those newer to hosting larger gatherings of this sort especially. Figure this is advice I’ve learned through trial and error over the years. I’ve then jotted down a couple “recipes” of my own and will link to some other favorites.

I often think of one memory from a few years ago now, just before COVID began: I had made the however unwise decision to host a Not Thanksgiving even though I had just had top surgery. Like only a few weeks before.

Even though I tried to delegate, cooking and hosting quickly overwhelmed me (no duh) … I was roasting a lamb that year, something I’d done many times, and yet this one was just not turning out right and in my depleted state, I had begun to freak out. I finally turned to a friend who was confident cooking lamb-wise. She assessed the lamb and me and requested a few things, including a beer. I worried aloud about beer being added to the lamb and she smiled, replying: The beer was for her. She took a big swig and then calmly saved the lamb — and our meal.

I also think about another friend, a phenomenal cook, who made these heavenly steamed sweet potatoes with lime tahini butter that same year, if memory serves …

I was chatting with a friend on the phone this week and he expressed being sorry to miss Not Thanksgiving this year (even though he lives thousands of miles away). As he and I both recalled, he had been at my first-ever Not Thanksgiving — just four of us in our early twenties, in my tiny Iowa City studio.

My friend on the phone remembered a miso pumpkin soup I’d made that he raved he’s never forgotten. I had mostly forgotten said soup, but this year I’ll probably recreate it (given all these pumpkins I’ve still got around).

Now, without further ado, some advice for hosts of such gatherings … however obvious:

Start Early, Get Organized

I like to contemplate which recipes I might want to cook well ahead of a given event, whittling it down to at least some strong contenders. (As I learned from Ina Garten, I tend to print my recipes off, so I don’t have to mess with my phone to read recipes during the marathon of cooking itself.)

I try to start shopping well ahead of my gathering — especially if it’s looking like the crowd’s a big one and/or if I need to do anything special like order a turkey or other main protein via a local farm or the store in town (I’ve done both; I’ve also, back when, grabbed, last minute whatever turkey I could find at a big box grocery store; lesson learned).

I also try to begin cooking well in advance … as my chosen recipes and life that week allow … just because this helps me not get too weeded as the meal itself approaches, especially the day of.

For Not Thanksgiving (which involves me serving on Saturday evening usually): My typical ritual is I start by making pie dough two days prior, so on Thursday morning. This allows the dough to chill a full day in the fridge before I start baking pies Friday (many pies are better the second day, for setting reasons — like apple, pumpkin and pecan). I tend to always do at least that trio, if not a fourth or fifth pie … or other dessert, depending on my mood and again, size of the crowd forecasted.

As the date approaches, I always like to — in my case on a legal pad, with pencil — write out my approximated chronological to-do list in terms of the cooking workflow itself … This helps me cross stuff out as I get it done, and/or erase and adjust, as needed.

I include steps like: Washing and prepping individual fruits and vegetables. This also helps me visualize what I haven’t done as the meal time itself gets closer, especially if people with kind intentions ask me “How can I help?” when they stroll in an hour before I am about to serve … At which point, maybe I will delegate for example: Washing and prepping Brussels sprouts if I’ve not yet gotten to that, or scrubbing and peeling potatoes. Or an activity like setting the table can be good to let others tackle (who seem competent for such and actually eager), especially if I’m overwhelmed in the kitchen.

Before first guests arrive, I also try to think about details like: Which cleaning and/or organizational tasks do I want to handle sooner rather than later? I try to think about details like … candles, flowers and/or other decorations (if I am going to bother with those) … and whether I have sufficient (clean) dishes and flatware and/or tablecloths. I even try to consider ahead of time which very long playlist I’ll want to play the day of the gathering itself …

As I plan what I am cooking in particular, I try to think through stuff like: Which recipes will require the oven — especially as I reach that point of serving. Back when I lived in the city, we used to use a neighbor’s oven to reheat stuffing and such right as we reached the finish line. Nowadays, I only have the one oven so I try to plan accordingly, including favoring stove-top recipes as possible.

If by the morning of the gathering itself I have (most of) my pies done and am prepping whatever else, that usually feels like I’m in great shape …

Appetizers Are Key …

I always think about having something easy around for folks to munch on, even “just” bread and/or chips (and salsa or whatever dip) or pretzels or whatever other store-bought snacks are dump-in-a-bowl level simple.

Appetizers-wise, I love many (Midwestern-inflected) classics, some of which I affiliate with those Thanksgivings in the East and South Bay of my youth — like slow cooked meatballs or baked brie. As discussed last time, roasted pumpkin seeds are great! Especially because they can be done ahead and waiting as even unexpectedly early guests arrive.

A cheese platter (however ambitious or elaborate) is one of my typical party go-tos … because it is flexible and guests can add to it if they bring crackers, etc., and again it can be set out as folks arrive. And/or I can ask somebody to help me assemble it (if somebody arrives wanting to do something).

Easy appetizers build some leeway if for example my own cooking plans are for any reason delayed (like one year our oven totally failed on Not Thanksgiving, itself, yikes!).

We figured it out!!! That’s one thing to try to keep in mind: You will figure it out, even if it means absolutely giving up on your burned meal or whatever other “disaster.”

If all else fails: I try to keep chili or pizzas in the chest freezers …

A Flexible Mindset … Also Key

I mentally try to keep my plan very flexible in terms of how many will attend my Not Thanksgiving each year. I may have some rough sense of head count going into the day itself but from experience I know the RSVPs can shift drastically, even last minute. The group may wind up being smaller than anticipated, or much larger; I have dealt with both. So I try to plan for either scenario, always.

As the meal itself approaches, if the group is seeming smaller than anticipated, I’ll cut a dish or two usually, save myself the effort, especially if I’m already feeling weeded, cooking-wise … If the crowd is looking bigger, I’ll try to have bought extra potatoes or sourdough bread for stuffing for example, to have even more carbs around just in case … Worst case: More leftovers for my household and/or to send home with others.

Mostly … when and if I feel myself feeling activated or overwhelmed by hosting, I try to think about my own motivations for even doing all this. Why do I bother to take this time to cook some elaborate meal for whoever does indeed show, familiar faces and newcomers alike?

For me, one big motivation is: I love to cook. I love this challenge, annually. It’s my own tradition, nowadays. And it does always make for a good time, whatever happens, whoever and all does attend … I know enough now to trust that at least, these days.

Another motivation for me is leftover stuffing and pumpkin pie, eating that on the couch the following days while I binge trashy TV or romcoms or whatever …

Also having pumpkin pie for breakfast and/or just another slice of pie (hand-held, even) because why not … So I tend to make a point of cooking such comforting-to-me favs like stuffing, mashed potatoes and fresh cranberry sauce — even if I forgo turkey for example. I usually bake two pumpkin pies, one on the Friday … just to have around.

Always prepare for (unexpected) vegetarians!

I do try to ask my guests if anyone has any dietary restrictions … AND regardless of what I’ve heard back, I always act as if an unexpected vegetarian might show … and/or folks who avoid other foods, e.g. dairy or gluten …

The goal isn’t everybody can eat everything, no. But I will try to contemplate my intended menu and whether there’s a possible delicious plate for various people who have hypothetical dietary restrictions. Mostly I just try to make options available. So if one of my vegetable sides has meat (like Brussels sprouts with bacon), I’ll leave a portion to the side before adding the meat to keep some vegetarian (or vegan) friendly. Or if I’m assembling for example three trays of stuffing, I’ll make one without sausage and with vegetable stock instead of chicken stock … (Also better in terms of leftovers because the meat tray won’t keep as well.)

I also always try to make some sort of ideally very yummy vegetarian main; often these days I’ll bake a vegetarian savory pie (see “recipe” below). Again: Just in case. This proverbial for-the-vegetarians-type pie tends to be the most consumed of everything I serve, whether or not some theorized vegetarian does show (LOL) … Hence these days I will make it pretty big.

I will try to make some main dish offering vegan if I have confirmation a vegan is attending (shepherds pie works great … you can do olive oil mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes on top and whatever inside, like a fake ground beef alternative with sauteed chard or mushrooms, thickened with some flour). Season it well.

If I’ve heard a vegan is attending, I'll also make a side or two fully vegan too … Be this something like fried Brussels sprouts (see below) or a winter-y salad I leave the goat cheese on the side of, e.g. When serving, I’ll try to write some post-its to label the spread, noting what’s vegetarian, vegan or dairy-free (because otherwise guests won’t know). I also warn re: nuts.

Accept Help — To Whatever Extent is Comfortable for You

I am of course somebody who enjoys cooking so for me this is a big part of why I bother to host this meal in the first place. I know that other hosts enjoy more of a potluck vibe. Candidly: I don’t really like it when people just bring whatever to my own Friendsgiving, given I’ve usually got some menu planned (especially not if they’ll want oven or stove space I wasn’t accounting for at the last minute).

I therefore tend to try to make clear in my invite I welcome guests bringing appetizers and/or non-alc drinks in particular, or whatever else they want to drink. If friends want to collaborate on the meal in more significant ways we usually coordinate beforehand. For example when I’d fly to my friend’s house in Wisconsin to cook Not Thanksgiving at his place (before I moved here to the Catskills), he did spearhead deep frying the turkey … This was majorly helpful for me while I happily did most everything else in the kitchen. (Even though yes deep frying a turkey is sorta terrifying and takes equipment and fry oil’s expensive …. and one year the turkey took us forever: Deep-fried turkey is unbeatably delicious, is my perhaps controversial hot take …)

I do personally sometimes go however non-traditional, mains-wise … I have roasted lamb shoulder or leg, as I mentioned, mostly successfully except that one time (a roast lamb being a throwback to my New Zealand studying abroad days). I’ve instead roasted a couple of chickens. Last year we roasted geese which a farmer friend had raised, and he brought porchetta (his own pigs too).

Other larger scale proteins for cold season gatherings that come to mind include tamales or a side of roasted salmon (both very nostalgic for me, they make me think of my Nor Cal beach hometown’s biggest gatherings). Or a slow-cooked beef dish like brisket or ropa vieja or for pork eaters, carnitas. Samin Nosrat mentioned Dungeness crab instead of turkey as her dream Thanksgiving play (on this latest Home Cooking episode). I agree; sounds divine.

Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Vegetarian Savory Pie

See my last Recipes Club post re: pie dough … I’ll make two or more discs of dough, depending, and refrigerate them (for an hour minimum and maximum / ideally ~one day … Freeze pie dough if making further ahead and allocate about a day for it to defrost in the fridge).

Then make sure all your filling ingredients are cooked and somewhat cooled (as needed) prior to assembling. (If you put hot ingredients into your dough it’ll melt the butter.)

Fillings-wise, I tend to use whatever I have around and/or sounds good, mixing sweet and savory and salty, for example: roasted cubed butternut squash and/or roasted sliced delicata squash and/or roasted sliced sweet potatoes; also roasted Brussels sprouts or kale or broccoli; also goat cheese or another cheese like gruyere is delicious (subbing vegan alts if necessary); maybe adding a generous smear of dijon mustard or pesto … You can do a lattice top or whatever other design or a free-form galette style, as in the pic above (baked on a cookie sheet.)

Assemble, and then bake until dough’s cooked and all is delicious … I sometimes do it in a springform cake pan. Or I’ll do it in a glass pyrex if going even larger, slab-pie style.

Fried Brussels Sprouts

This is my reigning favorite way to present and to eat Brussels sprouts (which I tend to grow all year for this reason).

Wash Brussels sprouts and clean up (with a pairing knife), meaning removing the outer layers and cut off the stems, as needed. Halve if big … Then par boil them in a large pot of salted water that’s come to a rolling boil. Just for a few minutes; watch the color. When brighter green, drain. Let them dry off in a colander or on kitchen towels, getting off as much water as you can (otherwise they’ll splatter lots once they hit the oil).

Then, working with small batches, fry in a generous amount of EVOO. I use a small sauce pan (less splatter). When frying: Stay attentive and move the sprouts around. Be careful to not let them burn too much. Some caramelization and cooked through is the goal but you don’t want them to be charcoal. Watch that your oil temp doesn’t get too hot (nor too low) and add more EVOO as needed between, allowing it to come up to temp again before adding the next batch.

Once each batch is fried, carefully remove with a slotted spoon and put onto paper towels over a plate. Immediately after toss with flaky salt while still hot (in a medium sized metal bowl). You’ll also want to leave lots of time to make what feels like way too much, is my advice, as people (chef included) will inhale them.

My favorite stuffing recipe is a play on this (minus chestnuts, adding some other stuff depending) …

Other than the pie dough and pumpkin pie recipes in the second Sandy’s Recipe Club, some other pie links …

A bullshit-free pecan pie recipe …

For my thoughts more generally on pie baking, see this older essay …

Some Words Re: Alcohol …

First of all: I say as someone who’s 8+ years alcohol sober … If you are considering not drinking this holiday season, go for it! Why not! I support you, fwiw!

If you have to be at a very boozy party (and are brand new to not drinking, e.g.), I always recommend having a drink in hand, like a ginger ale or seltzer (or seltzer with a splash of cranberry juice in a tallboy with a lime wedge, an-early-to-alcohol-sobriety fav of mine), which will help other people not notice you’re not drinking. Anyone who gives you a hard time for not drinking or asks too many questions about why is being rude … It’s nobody’s business why not.

Second: Hosts, please always serve non-alc drinks … Good ones — if you can!

Many good points:

Great suggestions:

This is my own favorite seltzer these days (fancy enough to take to a party).

Surviving the Season, Bigger Picture

Good luck to everybody who needs it — getting through this week(end) and beyond. Seeing family, attending office holiday parties …

For those of you who celebrate the holiday season alone (in the family-of-origin sense at least, as I long have navigated): Sending us all love especially. To the rest of you navigating for example being amongst family who are toxic or hateful or otherwise stressful (as I also did deal with back when, plenty): Also sending you love.

For those spending time amongst challenging people, I highly recommend you give yourself some brief break(s) — whether that’s a daily solo walk, or a 5 minute meditation behind a locked door, whatever is right for you, whatever you can swing. If it’s helpful to have around, here again is my recent-ish self-care 101 …

When hosting: I do make a point to carve out those ~30 minutes of self care time for myself, when I am inevitably stressed, having people over, and because the holidays can be tough!!!

Also, hosts: Don’t forget to get a pic of your spread! As I tend to forget to do, but two years ago did remember …

Alright. If you cook any recipes especially, lemme know how it goes?

Sending love,
Sandy

p.s. In my last post I shared some trans/queer-owned creatives with online shops for your Black Friday / holiday shopping consideration.

p.p.s. I’ve lately been asking your help in spreading word about this newsletter, hoping to reach 1000 subscribers by the year’s end, and I admit it’s only lost subscribers, overall — SIGH!!! Anyway, if you like WHT, I hope you’ll consider sharing it wherever you share things or forwarding to a friend. (I will perhaps stop asking because maybe that’s the problem, I dunno!)

Thanks for reading What’s Helping Today, a newsletter by me — author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen. If you were forwarded this message, you can subscribe here. If you like my work: Please consider supporting me via my Buy Me a Coffee. Thanks for your help!