"Mr. Self Care"

Welcome to What’s Helping Today, a newsletter about the everyday work of staying alive on earth, written by author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen.

Hi all,

Well, first of all I’m AMAZED by how many of you actually responded to my subscriber/reader/fan/follower survey. You can still free free to fill it out, though this is last call. It’s only four questions and anonymous. Though so far, you have spoken and it’s clear that the people want … recipes, mostly!

Recipes being something I am thrilled to share more of with you. I’ll probably launch a paywalled recipe-focused something, relatively soon here. Thanks to all who filled out the survey. This really helps me.

I wanted to (re)share some more of my feelings about “self-care” the whole topic (nominally this newsletter’s focus) and, like, how I approach such matters — as a trans person who has the history I do and many challenges and diagnoses and as a journalist whose focus is psychiatry and its alternatives … Someone who’s spent 15+ years now, as a professional, thinking deeply about these questions of how we might positively, over time, impact our own ‘mental health.’

Here’s my approach: Every day, I wake up with a 6-point list in my head consisting of this:

1. JournalSpeak*

2. meditation

3. yoga

4. bathe/shower

5. walk

6. self-compassion/forgiveness especially if I forget or don’t get to any of the above …

Every day, I try to do them all. I don’t always get to it all. But I try, every day, to get to what I can on the list, which remains on my mind, often. This is my … way. I’ve developed it over the course of the last four years in particular, as I’ve been on an intense and focused healing journey (the specifics of which are discussed in my in progress next book on the future of mental health care).

Let me say a bit more about the six …

1. *re: “JournalSpeak”: I don’t care for this term. I’ve before called the whole practice “brain cleaning” (in brief: 20 minutes of unfiltered journaling, followed by [10+ minutes of lovingkindness] meditation). Recently I’ve been calling it “journal yelling,” copying the therapist friend who first introduced me to JournalSpeak creator Nicole Sachs and her work. I tend to ‘journal yell’ most days, these days. Not all days though. As Nicole Sachs often repeats, this practice ‘isn’t a life sentence.’

2. Of the six things, I’m best at getting to the meditation daily … as I wrote about recently.

3. I’m worst at getting to the yoga daily — especially since recovering from this latest surgery, my yoga habit’s fallen off somewhat … I’m working on this (but trying to be forgiving of myself too, re: point six and given everything else).

4. I’m pretty good at walking daily, mostly because my dogs benefit from that too and they’re a motivator. Some days, however, I don’t or can’t walk them, either because I’ve got too much else going on or, as happens quite rarely nowadays, I’m laid up on the couch with debilitating back pain or whatever.

5. The shower and/or bath I always put it on my own mental daily self-care to-do list in part because: If I start skipping showers, say, that’s a great way for me to then feel terrible about myself inside. And if I start feeling terrible about myself inside, that’s a great way to doom spiral, etc.

6. If I ever “mess up” and don’t get to any of the first five, or can’t for any other reason, I try to remember point six: self-compassion and forgiveness (super hard for me, as a formerly very self-abusive person and a recovering perfectionist).

In brief: That’s it, my self-care routine. There’s more I do that’s nice for me, like playing piano and singing, like gardening, like listening to music. Much else. That’s all gravy. My main focus every day … is trying to get to my five things and keeping in mind number six.

And I tend to my job and my bodily needs and whatever else is actually necessary, caring-for-myself or caring-for-others-wise. But, as again I wrote about recently, I try to be mindful of not caring for others in lieu of caring for myself, especially if said others aren’t dependent pets or plants or kids.

I also try to not let my self-care practices as described above be my rulers. As in, if I just beat myself up all day about not yet having done these things, that’s counterproductive. The goal of self-care should be the cultivation of self-compassion, the reduction of stress, the invitation towards some calm, embodiment, actual reckoning with our repressed feelings (old or new), all that good and hard stuff.

So, rather than being a rules-guy, I try to wear these practices loosely (echoing another Nicole Sachs saying). I try to be patient and kind with myself, if I “mess up” or I am imperfect for whatever reason and therefore, on a given day, I don’t get to all five, or I forget number six. If when I get in bed on a given day feeling like I “did a bad job” at my five, I try to practice self-forgiveness (if I can), and just fall sleep. Tomorrow’s a new dawn.

I joked with a new friend recently that I’m “Mr. Self Care” and the nickname has stuck. And sure, it’s fair. I do do a lot of self-care, it can look like at least.

But: Believe me, I do all that and I still have my rough moments, my shitty days. I have a high ACE score and a lot I contend with, as I often try to repeat lest anyone else misunderstand this about me.

I never offer my own ways here because I think you should do the same 6-point list or anything like that. These habits all took a long time to form and involved lots of me listening to myself and studying all this and working with my wise and trusted mental health type professionals.

Big picture: You do you. Listen to yourself. But I’d advise: Try to go inside and really listen to yourself — if you can. Start there, first and foremost. Especially if you’ve never done so really or if doing so feels scary, start there. And! Find yourself support, especially if your own interior seems intimidating to finally face.

this might look like: Finding a therapist or a support group that suits you. This might mean reaching out to (a trusted and safe) friend. This might involve you sit down to a blank page, with 20 minutes on the clock, for your first-ever attempt at “journal yelling.” For me, figure I’m doing all the above, often …

And, underscoring: I am by no means perfect. I do like, lose control, however steadfastly I try to maintain my own hand on the wheel, nowadays. As I’m often repeating, I too am human.

For a stretch there, especially post-T, I became quite a recluse, a hermit in real life, afraid of going in public. I wrote about this a bit in this one. And I wasn’t on social media either, between ‘21 and last fall, when I joined Bluesky. Nowadays, I am somebody who puts myself out there, because I’m a journalist and author, and I have resigned myself that some public exposure is necessary, in this line of work at least.

And so I receive a lot of energy back, from readers, subscribers, followers, fans. Sometimes this is fun. Sometimes this is overwhelming. To use my surfing metaphor (from the end of this), even I sometimes totally wipe out. Or I need to take breaks … from my computer, from the strangers … from my sometimes nonstop, relentless-feeling work.

The self-care stuff I personally find hardest, still: Taking breaks. Asking for help. Leaning on others. Stopping working and doing and “helping” and just: Pausing. Doing nothing. Doing chill activities. Doing ‘non-productive’ activities. Having what humans call “fun.”

In general, I try to just remember that my own pauses and silences matter. My own joy matters. My own social safety net, in terms of those others around me who mutually care for me, this matters. Investment in my friendships and community, investment in my own self-care routines, this is all important … especially for when the hardest days arrive.

So on days when I’m feeling up for it, I try to remember: My friends, my passions, my pleasure. I try to actively work on cultivating calm. I try to remember that, during these times, under these conditions, none of this is frivolous. The point is: We have to keep ourselves in tip-top emotional-psycho-spiritual shape, especially if we dare to help others, during these constantly overwhelming and terrible times.

When I don’t want to whatever self-care stuff on my list or whatever other kindness towards myself (however small), that’s usually a tell it’s probably gonna feel all the better for me, once I actually do it.

And really, all I’m working on always is that internal conversation with my own self, my own body, my own mind. I’m noticing whether I’m bathing in positive thoughts or negative ones … Whether I’m my own best friend or my own worst bully … I’m becoming wise to my own self and working on it, especially those toughest, least-appealing parts. This sort of consciousness, this happens slowly, through a commitment to practices like 5 or 10 minutes of meditation, every day.

Re-sharing some own recent writings about “self-care” and related topics, from this very newsletter and beyond …

Also perhaps listen to: My interview on the TED podcast How to Be a Better Human called “Why We Should Rethink What Mental Health Means”. This is a few years old (my pre-T voice) but otherwise still relevant.

Also perhaps check out: This older post on finding therapists or other such supports that suit you … and this one on my own sometime tendency to become The Hulk and how meditation has helped that … and this one on how I learned to love not hate taking baths. (How instead I became … Mr. Self Care.)

Also see: This article in which I was quoted, for Xtra, about trans folks combatting despair — historically and presently. For even more: See these Starter Packs of my work.

ICYMI: Here is urgent info on passport renewals … the window for dealing with this will probably be quite brief.

If you need such urging: Consider me your trans big brother-type gently-but-firmly telling you to deal with all such stressful nonsense, right now. I get how dealing with such things can be super annoying and challenging … (Believe me, I’m trying to follow such advice, myself.)

Cis allies especially, if you’ve got the cash to spare: Consider becoming an Assigned Media member … Help support great trans journalism (including mine!).

What’s Helping Today: Last night I finished the Pee-Wee doc and I am so full of thoughts and feelings, wow. I’ll probably write a whole newsletter on it soon. How I adored it.

Last thing!!! I’m teaching a class for Leslie Shipman’s The Workroom, this fall. It’s an full-on intermediate/advanced literary nonfiction writing workshop, focused on writing about ourselves and others … This just got announced and will potentially enroll quickly … So sign-up now, if you’re a writer of this sort and you are interested. This is the first time I’ve taught a writing workshop in … oh many years … Consider forwarding to anyone you know who may be interested!

Take care of your spirits loves,
Sandy

p.s. I enjoyed this episode of You Are Good about The Birdcage — a movie I also still love, despite its faults.

p.p.s. Here’s an optimistic playlist, if that’s helpful to have …

p.p.p.s. Last call for my super short, anonymous survey. Thank you again to those who fill it out (and also for the kind words many of you’ve said while so doing).

p.p.p.p.s. Thank you also, as ever, to my new Buy Me a Coffee contributors (especially those who sign-up to contribute monthly). Like, from over the weekend, this sweet person …

Thanks for reading What’s Helping Today. If you were forwarded this message, you can subscribe here, for free.

If you want to support my work, again, please “tip me” via my Buy Me a Coffee. This really helps me; thank you!