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How to Fight Bullies
Part Two of my two-parter on combating eugenicist brain-rot ...

Welcome to What’s Helping Today, a newsletter about the everyday work of staying alive on earth, written by author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen.
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Hi (again) everyone,
As promised: This is the Part Two of my two-parter … my looooong response to an advice-column question I got on how to fight transphobia ...
If you’ve somehow clicked on this link, don’t start here with the second half; start here with Part One…
Continuing on with my discussion of The Great Reply Pile …
Countless people shared stories about … (pop) culture having first helped them in terms of their journeys towards realizing gender-nonconforming and trans people do exist and/or are in fact human.
Like the British soap Coronation Street was cited repeatedly. Many people told me about particular episodes of Maury and of Oprah. No surprise many mentioned Rocky Horror, Drag Race, Too Wong Food, Priscilla. Dress to Kill… (Some of the aforementioned I love; some I have mixed feelings about … and like, I’ve never seen Coronation Street … )
I was told about so many trans celebrities, presenters and pop-stars famous in other countries apparently … most of whom I’d never heard of.
Or, like, who knew that John Lithgow — the very same John Lithgow who’s lately sided with JKR (read: his own paycheck) — played a transfemme character in the movie version of Garp? Well lots of people did know this apparently — but I didn’t. Or I’d forgotten, if I’d known. I’ve not yet seen nor read Garp.
(Trans though I may be, I’m never claiming to some trans-cultural expert; I’ve only really been out for a handful of years ... I do still hope to unpack all the post’s culture-related replies at greater length, somehow, because this particular newsletter, even cut in half, is soooo long as is … and I have tons to say about all this … )
Note how those most frequently mentioned ones, your Rocky Horrors, Priscillas, Too Wong Foos, Hedwigs — as Disclosure brilliantly unpacks — these are mostly depicting cis male actors in drag and/or cis male actors playing trans women …
The only transmasc (pop) cultural representation that respondents brought up again and again — (which, sighs in transmasc, of course… and, again please watch Disclosure) — was to do with that one horrendous and for-some-reason famous hate crime committed against one of my kind. You know, that time a guy like me was murdered because he had the audacity … to exist and eventually some cis people made a movie about the murder. And a cis actress played him, the real-life murdered trans man. For which she won an Oscar … and young (actor) me …
(Of course I watched the Oscars, always.)
… that’s how I found out a(nother) trans man — another person like me — existed.
As I’ve written about before, I learned I could exist — maybe? possibly? — from hearing about Brandon Teena’s murder, because of Hilary Swank’s 2000 “best actress” Oscar win. Her win for this part — with it rumor of some second human on earth who was like me — no doubt it rattled my lonely soul. I’d have somehow gathered fast, that this “based on a true story” person — (a real-life person like me?!)— had been cruelly tortured and murdered in the rural heartland somewhere.
Just for … existing? As believe me, my twelve-year-old ears like … picked up on.
And I saw the movie, back then.
Oh I remember watching it — and with such private intense shame — envying his clothes, his haircut, his swagger … also his girlfriend.
I didn’t get the extent of it all, back then. Like I didn’t get how fucked up it was back then, like, who played him.
I didn’t get it until much later … the sort of violence committed against the likes of Brandon Teena. I personally find I greatly fear such violence these days; as it’s not uncommon, I’ve read, for men like me to feel.
One additional, depressing fact, to the who-gets-included, who-gets-erased:
Did you know that Brandon Teena, the real-life man, had a Black friend named Phillip DeVine who was murdered during that same infamous hate crime?
Who was (of course) totally cut out of that fucking movie?
Just an example of a fact I myself think about a lot …
Especially for example those weeks this spring when cis folks were replying so actively to that post, bringing up over and over: Brandon Teena.
And nearly no other transmasc representation whatsoever …
Couple months back, I asked aloud, into the void, on a lark: How did you come to care my humanity?
And all the answers, again, they drowned me, much as they’ve taught and inspired me too.
This person? Just had a nightmare:

This person? Just really thought about what it might be to be trans:

As I did already mention, many many many people answered that they just hate bullies — and, often because they know history and/or themselves were bullied and/or because they belong to other marginalized and routinely dehumanized groups.
Such folk recognize the bullies’ playbook for what it is:



I also got so many responses from allies who were radicalized in favor of trans rights by anti-trans bigots/bigotry/bigoted legislation itself:




Like this respondent above, several shared stories about the height of AIDS for example and losing loved ones. Or spoke of other such (queer-related) historic tragedies. A few wrote about 9-11 and how they were treated differently by and in their own country, after that day.
Many cis women and others mentioned specifically being turned against the qualified-womanhood-versions of so-called “feminism” that are promoted by JKR and other such (white/powerful/cis) anti-trans zealots:


Many people said to me: Well, I support trans rights because of my other deeply held ideology including … various movements for social justice and equality and religions of all sorts …
It went on and on … I heard from Furries why they support my rights. I heard from gamers. I heard from early internet users. I heard from Christians.
I mentioned this, but I even heard from one self-identified former White Supremacist as to why he supports my rights. I heard from someone raised by literal Black Panthers back when, as to why they do as well.
(If you’ve read my book especially, you’ll get it when I say: I loved all of this.)
Amidst everything else… I did chuckle at the small handful of actually-sorta-funny jokesters:



Yes, by the way, I like jokes… “Jokes” have gotta actually be funny though … Which as any actually funny person knows means, you gotta know yourself and you gotta know your room …
I also did just marvel at all the sometimes truly random ways some cis allies got there:


I wanna say something:
I do appreciate those (cis) allies — in media especially or folks with large audiences —who already understand the distinction between caring-in-abstract, and in silence…. and actively supporting trans people and our rights. Which starts by listening to us (fellow adults and professionals) with respect.
I loved all the stories I got of cis allies becoming more active:



Folks, please send me such stories forever, never stop …
For any cis allies who want to be more active in supporting trans people and our rights: see this previous newsletter for more advice from me (if you’ve not already). Also this one.
Now, to the question itself: When it comes to arguing with bigots or trying to — which I know a thing or two about — here are couple of rules I personally try live by, these days, for your consideration:
Oxygen Mask Reminder:
Repeating stuff as I’m often saying but (especially if you’re new to ‘being a cis ally’): Strongly consider, for example (especially if you never have): Going to therapy. Establishing a meditation practice. And, most importantly: Before you try to jump in as an ally, put on your own oxygen max first.
Meaning: First get re-educated by trans/gnc people re: us and re: transphobia itself. Work to unlearn your own previously held biases — and to learn better …
By which I mostly mean: Read / listen to / watch content created by trans/gnc people. Follow us. Watch our videos. Read our books. (Watch Disclosure! Read Transgender History!)
To Anyone Worried You’ve Done/Thought/Said “Bad” Things…
First of all, hey: Knowing nothing, I’m guessing it’s not your fault. I’m guessing past-you didn’t know what you-right-now knows. Like if past-you believed some (hateful) bullshit. Or if you said or even did bad things.
(Sure: Maybe later, you’ll want to make some amends, if you indeed hurt others — and if you attempting to make amends now would be welcome by the other party. It’s too early to know all that …)
I’d suggest: work on accepting reality and on self-forgiveness, first. For now, don’t worry about anyone else. It’s time to worry about you.
Hear me when I say: It’s nor your fault if you fell for some anti-trans propagandizing.
It’s alright if you regret stuff or if your shame has kept you afraid or silent (until now).
If you fell for some anti-trans bullshit, that’s not on you … that’s just our hateful culture.
That’s just the poisoned toxic swamp we’re all a-swimmin’ in …
What matters, in my view (as this whole viral post experience has certainly supported):
It doesn’t matter how you were raised per se, nor if you thought/did some regrettable stuff — even a lot of regrettable stuff.
All that matters now is how you start acting, once you do wake up …
Once you turn bravely inward … to face your own unconscious biases and try to unlearn them.
Which this person nailed:

Try to Not Punch Down
Okay, some brief reminders, about power:
Cis people are more powerful than trans people — full stop.
Adults are more powerful than kids (another easy one).
Cis adults more powerful than trans kids (even easier).
Reporters, we are always more powerful than our story subjects — again, to me this one’s a no-brainer. Reporters must always take extra care, not less, especially when investigating outside our own fields of expertise and / or about vulnerable/minority populations whose identities we don’t share and / or whose “truths” are otherwise “gate-kept” (like trans minors, whose access to media is negotiated by their [cis] parents).
I have much journalistic experience covering extremely contentious situations with great caution — listening to likes of the self-identified “shock survivors” or others with serious psychiatric diagnoses. I’ve worked hard to do so while not pissing off … anyone.
Not my sources, anyway. If a misunderstanding did ever cause some upset, I’d labor to respond directly to said aggrieved former-source, and with great compassion. (I’m recalling one instance, e.g., and we worked it out.)
My strategy of being more careful not less has worked for me through the years, as I’ve interviewed even non-English speaking sources with severe dementia or with traumatic brain injuries or other disabilities (at this Dutch care farm amongst many facilities like it, here and abroad, for patient populations of all kinds).
In such contexts especially, I’ve always tried to work with intense caution and respect. I’ve tried to listen to all sides, as much as I can. I try to interview all experts, to fully grasp the scientific contexts, and the historical ones.
Talking about relative power again …
Cis reporters/editors at one large media org (and their cis billionaire boss) versus trans people?
The cis folks are more powerful.
ibid. v. trans kids in particular?
The cis “journalists” and their enables have been punching down.
The GOP taking out hundreds of millions in attack ads stoking transphobic fears while actively campaigning to hurt trans kids and their families — they’re punching down (obviously).
“Liberals” who’re still stuck scapegoating trans people rather than waking up? You’re punching down.
These (generously) misguided former colleagues of mine who’ve become anti-trans propagandizers … just like these (again, generously misguided) elected officials who still scapegoat trans people … including our one trans member of Congress herself ...
Such selfish (white/cis/rich/privileged/self-deluded) cowards …
Who’d rather like, pander to some bigots (their bosses; their donors; the podcast hosts their teenage sons like or whatever … ): than wake the fuck up … be adults … and reckon with your own failings and your own errors.
What these folks are instead opting to do is … silo off … self-delude.
Like drunks in a bar, they all agree they are fine.
Such types would rather kill people — they’d rather be complicit in killing kids — than confront their own bad deeds, their own insides. They’re instead opting to do what so many (self-loathing) bullies do and punch down.
(And aren’t all bullies first and foremost self-loathing, however “deeply”?)
As I — again like so many of us — recognize from being bullied as kids, this playbook is old. It’s boring. It’s predictable.
It’s up to everybody else of good conscience to identify such misguided cruelty for what it is — and to collectively put an end to it.
A final word:
Dealing with Bullies, a Primer:
Regrading bullies of all kinds, by which I mean anyone caught up in punching down — from the dictator to the office jerk to the mean kid on the playground:
Regarding all bullies, I try to employ a policy of zero tolerance.
If I’m attacked, I try to disarm said attack swiftly and however possible — thinking always about how to move us both back to peace.
This strategy is largely per my reading some about aikido and watching random old YouTubes of aikido demonstrations from like the 80s that my aforementioned wise mental health-type professional sometimes tells me to watch (as I touched on, in this one).
Re-read this long post’s opening anecdote again and watch his masterful work, in action.
So per him mostly, I try to employ zero tolerance of bullies, meaning:
Anyone who is pointedly unkind or cruel to me, online or in real life, I’ve tended to totally boundary myself from (nowadays), no further questions necessary.
Online: Trolls and transphobes are blocked immediately.
I’ve learned from long studying the very best, like:
I mean this with my whole chest: Go fuck yourself. You’re living in a failed state so be careful of your glass house. It’s about to shatter. Also, who suggested no vetting? You’re introducing and moving an arbitrary goalpost. The Haitians here have been vetted. The stupidity staggers me
— Roxane Gay (@roxanegay.bsky.social)2025-06-28T00:14:54.446Z
If anyone’s cruel directly to me, I don’t tend to let them have further interaction with me (these days).
But I also try, myself, when I’m the one who’s been attacked, to slow down … and consider my attackers’ mindset. I try to distinguish between mere ignorance and actual cruelty or even just activated fighting.
🚨 UH OH it’s the Language Police 🚨
Just kidding; ACAB.
Many of the replies of those thousands to my viral thread contained language that I didn’t much care for … But I hardly like, took offense, if the person writing seemingly meant none ...
That being said:
To all “cis allies” still reading this, my language-level asks:
Please stop saying “AFAB/AMAB” or such terms alluding to trans peoples’ bodies’ “at birth” or our “natal puberty” and all such crap.
Personally I hate such terms and they do hurt my feelings.
Please stop saying “I knew a girl who became a guy” and so forth …
When you say such things to me, a trans person, it just sucks ... being real.
Because I hear that you see me that way, too.
(Not all trans/gnc people feel the same as me; I’d never pretend to speak for us all … In my observation, 99.99% of the time when “AFAB/AMAB” and such are being used, it just wasn’t necessary language-wise. My .01% there is for [trans/gnc/queer] science-experts, researchers/practitioners who feel they sometimes must …)
Please stop deadnaming trans people — especially ones you love or know (well) or are speaking of admiringly, including celebrities.
Because yes, these words do hurt my trans ears, I admit. Though I can tolerate a fair amount of discomfort … It really depends on the speaker’s apparent intentions.
In conclusion:
It’s anti-trans bullies are cowards. They are delicate snowflakes.
They’re the language police. It’s them demanding constant accommodation of their fantasy-worlds, despite all evidence otherwise. I’m talking Nature. Sure, I’m talking “God.”
Human languages shift (always). Medicine advances (seemingly). But people like me: We’re not new. We’ve always existed — whatever the rest of you might suppose. Language and medicine notwithstanding.
Us trans folk, in my estimation: We’re pretty tough, all things considered.
Figure we’ve survived often despite near-constant mistreatment and isolation and cruelty from the rest of you …
As I’ve debated all these responses … all that one might take away, I have thought:
Perhaps oftentimes the number one best tactic re: combatting transphobia might be to simply point out: It’s just rude. It’s bad manners. It’s anti-social.

Believe me (to the respondent above): It’s all “so disappointing” to me, too …
Hopefully even more (cis) people who are of good conscience can join us in feeling this way.
Disappointed but hopeful,
Sandy
p.s. What’s Helping Today (lately): All those cis allies in media who have spoken out or otherwise demonstrated your support against the NYT’s (latest) anti-trans bullshit.
Professional-to-professionals: I really appreciate your support in the context of this years-long, unrelenting and shameless mainstream-media-supported campaign of dehumanization and terror against me and my community, one with horrendous consequences for all trans americans, in particular minors — as well as all others who are already marginalized and particularly vulnerable to this cruel attack.
p.p.s. I want to be clear: For me, nothing about speaking up about my former colleagues feels good or is fun. But listen: I could have shut up and fled this country long ago; in 2016 I thought about it plenty. Or I could have died in the closet. I’m instead here, I’m out. I’m visible. And I’m doing what I can to fight — because these are my values.
p.p.p.s. I’d ask all “allies”, especially in media, to genuinely contemplate your own.
p.p.p.p.s. I often encourage folks to ‘surf the part of the wave you’re on’ — a metaphor I use because I grew up beside a Nor Cal beach.
My meaning: Don’t try to do that which is outside of your own comfort zone or level of preparedness…
The ocean is scary, the ocean is dangerous. Maybe like me you happened to grow right beside a beach, learning safety precautions … Like ‘never turn your back to the waves’. Maybe like me you’ve practiced how to punch through when a big sudden wave inevitably swoops in — counterintuitive. Or how to let it take you, if one knocks you out and you’re upside down, swallowing saltwater, as I did many times as a kid. In which case: Just try to relax if you can, go limp even, and your body will eventually float upwards, most likely; Do not try to swim at what seems like “up” … because you may not know which way up is … you might be very disoriented inside the wave’s churn, and quite powerless …
And all the other stuff I happen to know, having been raised running through the potentially deadly surf. I grew up learning that drowning doesn’t look like it does in the movies. I learned how killling-you-wise: Sudden big waves, riptides, drowning, they’re all scarier than the literal great whites that swam off the coast of my hometown’s tiny cove.
I’m no actual surfer, for the record. At best, literal surfing-wise: I can barely stand up on a longboard. Haven’t tried in ~20 years.
But back to my metaphor here, we’re talking re: ‘arguing with transphobic trolls’-wise:
My point is, if you’re a beginner especially, for now keep to the tide pools and body surfing and, at best, boogie boarding. As long as it’s not too big a break. Maybe just splash around in the waves. Maybe just take off your shoes, dip your toes in the water. Figure your own comfort level. Stay cautious. I’m being real: this ocean’s scary; this ocean’s dangerous.
If you do go swimming, best to pay attention to reality itself, aka: Never turn your back on the waves.
p.p.p.p.p.s. Me, myself, I have been at this speaking-across-the-sometime-impenetrable-seeming-barrier-of-bullies-and-hatred stuff for years now. In my own metaphor, I’m a pro. I’m surfing epic shit. Like, total Mavericks, bro.
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