"dealing with blind fucking rage"

Welcome to What’s Helping Today, a newsletter about the everyday work of staying alive on earth — written by author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen.

Hey folks,

Some months ago a father on Bluesky asked me this. He agreed to let me reply to you all, as a Dear Sandy column.

Hey there,

First of all, I get it … and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what your kid is going through; I’m sorry about what you are going through. My heart breaks every goddamn day over all of it. As I’ve contemplated your question these last months, I’ve mostly thought about your phrase “blind fucking rage”, how I’d respond to you feeling this, and how I myself deal.

The other day e.g. I got so upset over some absolutely inconsequential crap, I literally did scream aloud, like an animal. I then felt swift shame, about this. But as my main (and wise) mental health professional did during our subsequent session identify: I know lately I haven’t been operating as my best (‘higher’) self; I’ve been instead perhaps stuck in older selves, younger ones.

In my case, as I’ve alluded before, I grew up in a house where I was very afraid, with reason, all the time, and I was also often screaming back, all the time — screaming about whatever we were screaming about on a given night. This stuff lives in me still, however much I’ve trained myself otherwise. I’ve written about this before …

I’ve written too about my daily self-care routines and everything else I do to try to stay on my own better path here — meditation and all the rest. Lately I’ve been scheduled with my aforementioned mental health type professional weekly. I’ve been trying to exercise more, to combat my depression; I’ve been rowing and even running again.

And: I’m imperfect. Hence the other day before I could catch it, I did just scream, like I said, feeling like I couldn’t handle anything. Nobody heard this but still, I felt ashamed.

I confess this to you all to explain: I try, every day, to do my best with all this staying-okayish business … and: I’m human. In my own small world here, this last month and change has felt unfathomably hard. I’m consumed by grief.

I saw this image online and have kept it on my desktop because it feels very much like me, these days …

How to keep going, despite this. What to do with all the rage. How to set it down, how to feel productive anyway, these questions possess me …

I think about my past selves a lot. I know somewhere inside me: A trans boy who never got to come out, who clung to tomboyhood until about seventh grade, feels furious. Sometimes guided by my aforementioned talented professional, I do close my eyes and picture my inner child. I meet with him and I listen to him, assuring him we are safer now — we got out of that house, for example. I assure him I’ve built us this whole other and much better life.

And yes, the world is scary and enraging nowadays. I, the adult in question, do feel very upset. But I try to reassure my inner child at least that he doesn’t have to be in charge anymore, like he did (as sometime fellow ‘parentified children’ will perhaps understand). I reassure him, during such an exercise, that I’ve got us.

To you, an actual parent of a trans kid right now, I say this:

On my best days, I’m able to channel my rage into action. The last year has been a rough one for me and I’ve felt oftentimes: All alone, persecuted, enraged, sorrowful, depleted, overwhelmed. As a trans adult in this country, I feel dread, every day.

When I steadfastly care for myself — such that I can still work, and be of use to others, this sometimes helps me feel somewhat better. Caregiving can be draining but it can also be rewarding, as I wrote about not long ago …

Altruism benefits oneself, the doer, too:

So: Keep on loving your kid. And get louder in this fight, however you can — this is the way.

One more idea for anyone: Unsubscribe from some companies, targeting those that are most complicit:

For me, there’s a balance to strike here, especially if my day-to-day demands can feel already impossible. Therefore: I try to take it day by day. I try to tune into the present, as I can, to really feel grateful for what I do have, right now. Unless I tune into the good, the darkness will consume me.

I don’t know your son and I don’t know what he is going through. Of course I can guess, given our climate. I want to express mostly I’m heartened to hear he has a parent in you who cares, who wishes fiercely to protect him. That fury is powerful and important. I hope, as you’re able, you can put it to good use.

Sending you, and all parents in positions like yours, lots of strength.

Sandy

p.s. If anyone’s wondered, I’ll be back soon with a new Sandy’s Recipe Club. I’ve been figuring out a better pacing for those; monthly felt like too much.

p.p.s. Re-sharing this piece; felt relevant …

Thanks for reading What’s Helping Today, a newsletter by me — author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen. If you were forwarded this message, WHT is free; you can subscribe here. If you like my work and wanna support it continuing on: Please consider tipping me via my Buy Me a Coffee. My suggested amount is $5 a month or more, if you can. Thank you!