On The Utility of Joy

Welcome to What’s Helping Today, a newsletter about the everyday work of staying alive on earth — written by author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen.

Hi folks,

I’m pleased to share an exciting bit of news: I’m the guest on this week’s episode of a great podcast called Proxy:

I have enjoyed getting to know this podcast, which is new-ish; I admit I wasn’t familiar before Yowei reached out and began interviewing me some months back. I did know her previous gig, Invisibilia, of course — which she was laid off from. That event became the focus of Proxy’s recommended, three-part pilot. I also really liked for example their previous episode, on coping (especially during hard times).

Subscribe to Proxy wherever you imbibe pods. Sending big thanks to Yowei Shaw and everyone else who worked on this episode.

The world is just horrendous. Every morning some headline or another threatens to break me. Yesterday it was stories about the journalists killed at a hospital in Gaza … Or the comparatively minor but still hurts me one about trans British kids now trying to hold their pee at school …

Often I wonder, how does a person just keep on going, day after day, despite all the endless shit in this world? How does one not just fall silent; how does one not just turn away from it all?

This is in a sense the question driving the new Proxy episode about me. It’s a true quandary, one I contemplate a lot, in my work and in my life. Those who’ve read my first book already, you’ll know this was a big focus of what Uncle Bob ultimately spoke to: How to enjoy life anyway, despite it all, despite the hardship, despite the haters.

Since I was a kid, if I think back, I’ve wondered about all this. I’ve read books and I’ve asked wise people: What do you know about how we keep going — even when times are very shitty? And it’s a question I’m nowadays asked by even other journalists and other such curious minds … However little I might feel I know. However bad my own weather that day might be. However reasonable my own bad weather might be.

A lot of the seemingly most knowledgable people and resources I’ve consulted throughout my life on these topics — thinking even back to my youth and teenage years, when I was reading like bell hooks and Audre Lorde and books about Buddhism and socialism and such — have said versions of a point I’ll now repeat my way:

Joy is powerful and important, especially and including during times that are terrible. And uncertain. And frightening.

Because I will sometimes wonder: Why bother enjoying anything? Why bother taking a break? Why bother taking a bath? Why bother resting? Why bother tending a garden or cooking a meal? Why bother with laughter? Why bother with connection? Why bother with music, with art, with anything nice — given all the terrible shit in this world?

But I know the answer … I learned it long ago from many books I’ve read by survivors of unimaginable tragedies. I learned it from my own experiences, especially back when. I learned it from many spiritual guides and artists and tenacious leaders and others whose perspectives have shaped me.

Echoing a point made by many others, including the guest on Proxy’s aforementioned previous episode on coping: I’d argue there’s a true restorative power in having a nice time … in taking a break … even in throwing a party … especially during horrible, uncertain and frightening periods. This fuels us, as we resist burnout, as we keep up in our own contribution to the fight, whatever that might look like.

Maybe (for cis folks reading) that might look like: Unlearning some of the unconscious transphobia you still carry. Maybe by finally picking up a copy of Susan Stryker’s Transgender History, putting on Disclosure on Netflix, or following ALOK on social media, ideas I frequently repeat. Maybe that looks like: Speaking up when some cis person you know says something transphobic, however clueless they may be … (more advice on how to do that without activating shame). Big picture: Start with yourself, as I often say.

Maybe that looks like: Improving your own media diet, by which I mean unfollowing some transphobic outlets and also maybe following — even supporting with money if you can — some trans/queer-led independent media. I gave some recommendations in this one. Speaking of which, here’s a cool cross-promotion I saw today featuring two favs I’ve had the pleasure of doing stuff with this summer: Assigned Media and Katelyn Burns of Cancel Me, Daddy.

To this topic of like, the utility of joy, especially when faced with our potentially at times unbearable-feeling earthly lives:

It all makes me think of Rebecca Solnit’s work — especially regarding the behavior of humans during and after actual disasters.

It makes me think of the podcast How To Survive the End of the World, my adoration of which I touched on in my Eater essay from a few months back.

It makes me think of Esther Perel’s sentiments on all this, especially regarding her parents who survived the Holocaust and how they lived after that.

It makes me think of meditations I’ve done by Ram Dass for example … and other words I’ve read or heard of his. (Did a meditation of his just this morning, in fact.)

Here’s an older post of mine with a few of my other fav meditation teachers, and a more recent one wherein I addressed why having a (daily) meditation practice actually makes a difference, for me at least (though I’m hardly unique).

Here’s another older advice column about how to get started — when it comes to meditating daily or anything else one finds extremely difficult.

This subject also makes me think of the book of essays by Ross Gay, The Book of Delights — one I simply love (as I’ve said before and I’ll repeat). In it, he makes similar points, albeit so beautifully and succinctly … as only a great poet can, I suppose:

This all makes me again think of our recently departed Andrea Gibson …

I’ve lately appreciated hearing Tig Notaro process her grief about Andrea (amongst other stuff that crew has had going on) on the Handsome Podcast. Including talking about the power of coming together in person, to share stories and food and laughter in the face of mortality — and grief.

It’s why I still listen to that pod and my other fav comfort-listen-type shows like Who? Weekly or Nicole Byer’s WWYDM, even during rough days: They still make make me laugh, even belly-laugh … (Nicole’s latest was so utterly funny; this story she told about sliding a note under a door … I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.)

It’s been a difficult and tumultuous summer both in my small world but also the wider one. There’s been some good in the mix for me but lots of hard stuff too — and overall it’s all felt like a lot.

Despite all the reasons to not: This last weekend we held our annual-ish so-called Peach Party. This is a multi-day gathering we sometimes throw towards the summer’s end. The weather was perfect. The timing re: the peach harvest was also perfect.

Some dear pals joined for many delicious meals, lots of conversation and laughter, a tour of my extremely overgrown garden, some music by candle-light.

Culinarily-speaking, the highlight was definitely these deep-friend peach hand pies I made, with the last of Belvis’ modest harvest this year …

(ICYMI, our first and original peach tree, whom we call Belvis, is sorta famous, especially by peach tree standards … She’s been featured on Radiolab and elsewhere [which still makes me chuckle it’s so random]. When we recounted the whole Belvis tale to some newer friends this weekend, one did ask after, quite understandably, but why did Radiolab do a bear-themed episode … still beats me TBH.)

These pies tho …

This year we’re harvesting peaches from our newer peach tree as well, which we planted in early 2020. It’s going to have a sizable harvest, seems like.

I had ordered four fruit trees pre-lockdown, which became a rather absurd thing to be doing — or so it could feel — once the plague began. Here I was planting fruit trees and getting a fence built around them (see: the Radiolab story for why the fence).

But what a hopeful gesture, I note in hindsight, to have planted an additional peach tree, two sour cherry trees, and an apricot tree, during that frightening era.

And what a delight to eat these peaches now. These peaches are different than Belvis’ peaches, we are finding, but they are also delish, more yellow. We call this second peach tree The Contender, after its varietal name.

Something else I’ve loved lately are all these sunflowers in my garden. A local bud — who attended said brunch — had sown them and then gifted me some gangly starts this spring. When I first saw them on my porch, I admit I didn’t know if they’d survive.

But: They’ve thrived in my garden, to my surprise.

As ever, I just want to underscore the importance of actively doing community, of doing friendship, whatever that might look like for you … The importance of intentionally weaving and strengthening such webs, especially when times are tough …

Let me share a few of my own liner notes for the Proxy episode:

Speaking of sunflowers and music, if you listen all the way to the end past the credits, she featured a snippet of me covering a song by James Blake (I adore that whole album):

Here’s the post of mine where Yowei first heard about my work I believe (this one’s evergreen and I encourage you to read and/or share it, if you’ve not already):

And here is its more recent companion post (both are for everyone, in truth):

Here’s my post about how to take care of ourselves during the worst times …

And also my reflections about my viral cis allies thread on Bluesky, which the Proxy episode is reflecting upon: It all begins here, and ends here and here.

What’s Helping Today: Taking some moments to enjoy life, even right now, with good company and good food. And being featured so thoughtfully on a podcast I enjoy.

Sending you all love,
Sandy

p.s. Hope you’ll please listen to (and share??) the Proxy episode!

Thanks for reading What’s Helping Today, a newsletter by me — author and journalist Sandy Ernest Allen. If you were forwarded this message, this newsletter is free; you can subscribe here. If you like my work: Please consider supporting me via Buy Me a Coffee. A few bucks is awesome, even more is extra awesome — or better yet, you can sign up to support me each month. Your help in making my career sustainable is greatly appreciated!!!